I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

For someone as stunningly intelligent as myself, there are always going to be the jealous inferior minds who will scratch their flabby claws at my monumental achievements in a forlorn attempt to minimize my greatness. A recent cabal of critics have been spewing vitriol far and wide due to their objections to my sacred First Amendment Right to do a blogging.


Then, it occurred to me. It must be only one! A Moriarty-like nemesis obsessed who shadows my every move, with the cunning of the insane, using thousands of pseudonyms! (This is called misterfloppetry, if you're fluent, like me, in the art of webbing.) I turned every megawatt of my luminous intellect to this botherment, and formulated the following profile:

• He must be of Scotloid descent
• He isn't black, since stalking rarely crosses racial lines
• He is far less accomplished than I

Those razor-like criteria and my elephantine deductive skills eliminate everyone in the world, save one: Barry O'Bama!

He's been cheesed off ever since I bested him in that crossword puzzle-eating contest in prep school!


Of course, I have irrefutable proof. Behold:

Here, I caught him stalking me on my last holiday to Antarctica , where I helped install a new government:


Here he is again, in Botswana where I was teaching Latin to little brown people:

And again, in Thailand, where there was a slight misunderstanding with the authorities over some powder-filled condoms in my rectum:

There you have it. Inarguable averment!

Barry O'Bama was born in Scotland before it ceased to exist in the 1970's, despite what his forged birth certificate says. He most definitely is not black. He became "black" around the same time Michael Jackson became "white." Coincidence?? I think not! He, unlike I, has never accomplished anything of note. As far as I know, he's pumping gas somewhere.

I am unswervingly convinced he is Hot4theBeeb who slandered me on Bieberfreaks.com; CrankYanker on 4chan, 14nHornee on garyglitter.com, and millions of others. I call you by name, Barry O'Bama! Jockuse!