Unus caseus caro vacuus unio, haud whiz

I was poking around on the internets the other day, while the doctors weren't looking, and noticed that Joey Vento went to the Big Cheesesteak Grill in the Sky. I haven't wept such tears of joy since Ralph Nader singlehandedly defeated Darth Vader and Sauron's orc armies with a unicorn. I took precious time away from stabbing out my Manifesto and working on my Weather Control Machine to assemble a few learned thoughts about why Mr. Vento was a bad man. A very bad man.

1) Joey Vento used the First Amendment right to free speech. This is completely unacceptable. His ridiculous blatherings of "opinions" aren't even backed up by a Degree!  Only qualificated people with Degrees, like me, have the intellectualized capacitation to make a speaking.  The stuff he said with his "right" to free speech is completely contrary to what I believe, therefore it is wrong. There really ought to be laws against this kind of thing.

2) His insistence that people order his food in English was the worst kind of anti-intellectualism. A true Man of Letters, such as myself, demands that all his customers converse in Latin. He was obviously demonstrating jealousy of Higher Learnings with this vicious mocking. I, myself, devote several minutes a week of my highly valuable time to teach Latin at the Wretched Refuse Center for Assimilation and Gentrification. I used to, anyway. There was a hottie there whom I wished to engage coitally, so...

3) The best way for Lettered White People to support the cause of our inferiors is to lavish them with condescending charity. Did Mister Vento do this? I think not. I sent him an e-mail asking for a donation to the Wretched Refuse Fund, clearly stating that he was a racist asshole if he declined. A fat donation would have got me in the saddle with the bodacious bawd, but no. Millions to other charities. Mine? Zilch. This was obviously a calculated mock-blocking of Brobdingnagian malignity. The only consolation was that one e-mail allowed me to add "Civil Rights Activist" to my CV.

4) His name means "fart" in Latin.

What can I say of a man with little education who started a business with nothing, and made a tremendous success of it? A man who used the right to free speech to speak freely?

A man who....hang on. It's time for meds and group therapy. I have to get my notebook back in my rectum before the bulls find it. Again. I lost 200 pages of my Manifesto in the last cavity search.

I'm not even going to tell you where I keep the Weather Machine!